JWR Articles: Film/DVD - All I Want (Director: Jeffrey Porter) - January 27, 2003
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All I Want

Try Seventeen

1 1
93 min.

Reviewed at the 2003 Palm Springs International Film Festival
Coming of age flick never grows up

Jeffrey Porter's directorial début—as he explained prior to the screening—only happened due to the chance of rescuing a script from the languishing pile of his partner's rejects. Some things were meant not to be. Instead, we were assaulted with such a lame narrative that the term “roll credits” could only be referring to the taxation benefits.

What follows, and in no particular order, are seventeen examples of the multitudinous misfires in this wasteland of talent and cash:

  1. Jones Dillon's (Elijah Wood, thinking he's going to strike American Pie gold) trunk grinds floor coverings due to its weight but is effortlessly hauled up two flights of stairs with no muscles strained.

  2. Dialogue referring to his room number: “Is that 2B ... or not?”

  3. The duffle bag containing Dillon's unsent letters to his wayward father appears to be heavier than the trunk.

  4. Every door's peephole in the aging apartment house is crystal clear and admits light only at direct eye level.

  5. Fellow tenant Lisa will bed Jane's (Franka Potente, looking neither too young nor too old to play the older woman) boyfriend in a flash, but shuts her hormones down when she discovers that Dillon's a virgin.

  6. Mid-life, three-years celibate gay man refuses to share confidences to extremely cute, available and confused house-mate.

  7. Driving 2000 miles only requires a one-night stopover.

  8. It's fun to ridicule people with missing limbs, even in a lame melodrama.

  9. Real cowboys don't pass on the chance for a shoot-out for a free shave and a bath no matter who's providing the service.

  10. Tired clich√©s such as “This isn't happening” (during the road-coupling scenette) have been banned by serious writers for a reason.

  11. No sane man—gay or straight—would sacrifice full cans of beer for target practice (that's why God invented diet Coke!).

  12. Do-it-yourself home auto-body repairs do not change a total write-off into a pristine collectible with mere mallet blows no matter what degree of frustration is being experienced by the tradesman.

  13. No true acid-punker would ever let his handcuffs be used against him.

  14. Unbelievable sob stories and fake ID do not result in the sale of booze to underage, pubescent men—an extra $20 works every time.

  15. After losing a lot of races, then betting and winning on “New In Town” at the track? Please see #10.

  16. Realizing that the “other woman” has betrayed you by say, stealing a personal delivery by using long finger nails to successfully reclaim an envelope that has surreptitiously been observed being slipped under the door, even before that fact has been established belongs in Sherlock Holmes send-ups!

  17. A diet of only beer, wine, martinis and olives for the menu of an entire movie probably explains why everyone ends up pissed! JWR

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